Navigating the complexities of long-term relationships and marriage can be challenging. From communication breakdowns to financial stress and dwindling intimacy, many couples find themselves grappling with issues that can strain their bond. In this blog post, we'll explore the three primary causes of divorce and unhappy marriages: communication issues, financial difficulties, and lack of intimacy. We'll also share anecdotes and actionable insights to help you strengthen your relationship and avoid common pitfalls.

1. Communication Issues

Communication is the bedrock of any relationship. Yet, many couples misunderstand what true communication entails. It's not merely about talking but about understanding and being understood. Effective communication involves active listening, acknowledging non-verbal cues, and being emotionally present.

Imagine This Example:
Sarah and John started their relationship with deep conversations about their dreams, fears, and daily experiences. But as life got busier with work and children, their talks dwindled to logistics—who would pick up the kids or handle the groceries. One day, Sarah realized she didn't know how John felt about his new job, nor did John know Sarah's growing dissatisfaction with her career. This disconnect left them feeling like strangers under the same roof, setting the stage for conflicts and misunderstandings.

Key Takeaway: Make time for meaningful conversations. Regularly check in with each other about your dreams, challenges, and daily experiences to keep the lines of communication open.

2. Financial Difficulties

Financial stress is a major strain on relationships. Whether it's due to insufficient funds, differing spending habits, or financial risks, money problems can lead to significant tension. Often, these issues are exacerbated by poor communication, creating a vicious cycle of stress and misunderstanding.

Imagine this scenario:
Mark, an entrepreneur, frequently invested in high-risk ventures, hoping for a big payoff. Lisa, on the other hand, valued financial security and was anxious about their future. Mark didn't share the details of his investments with Lisa, believing he was protecting her from worry. However, Lisa sensed the financial strain and grew increasingly anxious. Her anxiety manifested in arguments over minor expenses, which Mark found irrational. The lack of transparency and differing financial priorities drove a wedge between them, leading to resentment and mistrust.

Key Takeaway: Be transparent about financial matters. Discuss your financial goals, concerns, and risks openly to ensure you’re both on the same page and can support each other.

3. Lack of Intimacy

Intimacy, both physical and emotional, is crucial for a healthy relationship. A lack of intimacy often stems from deeper issues such as poor communication and financial stress. When couples neglect to nurture their connection, they may find themselves drifting apart.

Does this sound familiar?

Emily and Tom had been married for over a decade. Initially, their relationship was filled with affection and emotional closeness. However, as responsibilities and stress took their toll, they stopped prioritizing time for each other. Emily felt emotionally neglected and sought solace in her friends, while Tom immersed himself in work. They rarely had meaningful conversations or shared moments of closeness. The lack of intimacy made them feel unloved and disconnected, further straining their relationship.

Key Takeaway: Prioritize intimacy. Set aside dedicated time to connect deeply, free from distractions. Whether it’s a weekly date night or a quiet morning together, these moments can help rekindle your bond.

Continuous Effort: The Key to a Strong Relationship

Marriage and long-term relationships require continuous effort and intentional communication. It’s essential to regularly reassess your visions, values, and needs to stay aligned. Setting aside dedicated time to connect deeply and address issues is crucial.

Picture This:
Jessica and Robert, married for 15 years, dedicated Sunday mornings to each other. They called it their "reset time," where they would have breakfast together, discuss their week, share their thoughts and feelings, and plan for the future. This consistent effort to communicate and reconnect kept their relationship strong and prevented many issues from escalating.

Key Takeaway: Schedule regular check-ins with your partner. Discuss your dreams, fears, and daily experiences to ensure you’re always in sync and supporting each other’s growth.

Embracing Conflict: A Path to Growth

Avoiding conflict is a common mistake in relationships. The speaker emphasizes that conflict, when handled constructively, can lead to growth and deeper understanding. Avoiding disagreements can lead to passive-aggressive behavior and unresolved resentments.

See if this story resonates with you:
Anna and Michael, known among their friends for never arguing, found that avoiding conflict led to passive-aggressive behavior and bottled-up resentment. Eventually, a minor disagreement exploded into a major fight, bringing years of suppressed grievances to the forefront. Realizing their mistake, they sought therapy and learned to address conflicts openly and constructively, which significantly improved their relationship.

Key Takeaway: Don’t shy away from conflicts. Address disagreements openly and constructively. Use them as opportunities to understand each other better and strengthen your bond.

Understanding and addressing the three main causes of divorce and unhappy relationships—communication issues, financial difficulties, and lack of intimacy—are crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Continuous effort, intentional communication, and a willingness to face conflicts head-on can help couples stay connected and resilient through life’s challenges.

By integrating these insights and anecdotes, you can reflect on your relationship and take proactive steps to nurture it. Remember, a strong relationship doesn’t just happen; it’s built with patience, understanding, and a commitment to each other’s growth and happiness.

If you found this blog helpful, share it with someone who might benefit from these insights. Let’s work together to build stronger, more resilient relationships!

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TRANSCRIPTION

We're going to be covering this actually the first time I'm covering this topic. I've talked about communication and influence quite a bit, but not specifically this topic. I think, and the reason why I want to talk about this topic is how much it comes up. Um, not just marriage, divorce or. something like that, but we're, we're, I kind of made the topic to be three causes of divorce, but I'm also talking about three causes of divorce and unhappy marriages.

And that also applies to unhappy relationships, long term relationships in general. So it doesn't have to be an official marriage, but if you're in a long term relationship, intimate relationship, This will apply to you. And why is this important in our community? The reason why it is one, the, the biggest thing that I get to cover in my sessions is actually challenges between, uh, husband and wife.

And that affects business more than probably any other factor. It's very interesting that it happens is, um, that if people don't realize how much of their success, quality of life and progress is dependent on the person that they spend, chose, choose to spend their life with. Positive or negative and they're actually and I'll talk about where I'm coming from I mean i'm coming from being in a relationship for 15 years.

So i'm not just speaking theory here I've been at the brink of divorce many times and it's been incredibly difficult. It hasn't been easy Marriage is not hard Marriage is not easy. It's hard. It takes work. Um, it's uh, it's It's actually quite a bit of work to maintain a marriage and be happy in a marriage especially in the world that we're in because pretty much every force out the world seems like it's kind of Uh forcing people to be on the individual side.

So a lot of the traditional values of marriage is kind of slowly Hopefully not disappear, but in a lot of people's minds disappear. How I know this? Whenever I talk to younger people, they are completely confused about what a married life looks like, what a family structure looks like, because they've been brought up in a world where that's very different.

Now, I don't have judgements one way or another. I do prefer traditional Um, uh, relationships in the sense that, um, I'm devoted to one person, uh, in my life and I have kids and I have a traditional, um, life and I've also spent quite a bit of time working with clients as a, as a couples coach to, I've also spent a lot of time listening to my clients for the past 10 years.

Talk about their challenges. Most of their challenges are relationship related. This will also help you with your business partnerships. This will also help you with. People in general, because the same principles apply. So what are the three major causes of divorce and unhappy marriages? The first actually I'll share all three and I'll share that.

The, um, actually the, all three of them are very important now, but there will be a key differences. I want to share that you don't hear a lot outside and I want to share examples of how I hear it. Um, so it'll help you. So there are three areas. There's communication, financial difficulties, and intimacy. So, of course, lack of communication, financial stress or difficulties, and, and lack of intimacy.

And you might think, okay, well, yeah, those are big things, but they couldn't be the three biggest causes. I'm pretty sure that those are the three biggest causes because that's what people constantly talk about whenever they have challenges. The first one, and then I want to go into intimacy, the last one, which is very key, but actually people don't realize what that means in their day to day when they started thinking about it.

So stay for the third one. The communication piece is interesting. So what is communication? First of all, Most people don't even know what communication is. Most of the time we think that communication is talking. It actually isn't. A very small part of communication is actually talking. Like if you actually look into how communication works, it's about seven to eight percent of it is like verbal.

Most of it is visual, body language, and emotional in nature. So how does that show up? Why does that affect divorce rate? Why does that affect how people talk to each other? Uh, or why does that affect how people feel around each other? Well, here, here's what happens. Um, in a given relationship, when you get into a new relationship, one of the first things you do is actually you start talking about what you're, after you get to know each other a little bit, once you become serious, you start thinking about long term, Vision and values.

You start asking the other person what their values are. Now, you wouldn't, you won't put it like that, but you assess them based on their values. You assess them based on their plan long term, what they want out of life. Do they want kids? Do they want a business? Do they want this, that, and the other? You also assess them based on short term needs and emotions.

How their emotions come up and what their needs might be and can you meet them? Now, this is very intuitive. Any person who gets into a relationship, they kind of look out for these kind of things. Okay, what does this mean? person want long term? Like, does this person want a very successful partner? Does this person want a businessman or woman?

Does this, uh, does this person want a wife who's at home with the kids? Is this person wants them to work together and kind of build a common income? Whatever that looks like. You're assessing the other person. Now, after you go through that first piece of the marriage or not relationship, and then you decide, you know what, I'm going to be with this person.

You decide, guess what happens. Those things about long term vision, values, needs, they completely disappear. Now you're in the same home, you kind of do your own things. And that's, that's kind of the story of marriage in North America and maybe even in Europe, but more so North America, I would say, because the culture is set up like that.

Everybody is busy and they kind of do their own things. Um, so what ends up happening is over time, people don't have the time and energy for actual communication. And actual communication is actually understanding. Are you still aligned long term? Do you still hold the same values? Have you shifted or changed?

What do you feel on a day to day basis? What your needs are and have they shifted or changed? The only way to know that is if you actually spend time with each other, not being around each other, actually spend time with each other. So we know that the, there are studies, the two types of studies that come up as if people don't know if, if the, if communication is poor in a relationship, there's a good 50 percent chance that you're going to go towards this.

Okay. Divorce. I think that was the Gottman Institute that did that. And then another, um, uh, type of research. Let me see if I remember that one. Um, I write it here. There's a 50 percent chance that people go towards divorce if the communication support, there was one other one. I'll come back to me, but the point here is that how do you communicate with your significant other?

Do you, do you still revise your vision consistently? Not by saying, Oh, let's talk about our vision, but talking about like what we're creating, what we're doing, spending time with each other, being present with each other, uh, seeing the other person. So, uh, this is a common thing that a lot of people who are in longer term relationship, they will pass by each other at their own home.

They won't notice each other's faces. They won't notice what they're feeling. So what ends up happening is that this person feels like they're not being, feeling seen. Or hurt. And so what do they do? They go to somebody else for that need. Where do they get that? They get it from some friend or infidelity might come into the picture if that continues long enough.

Kids play a big part by the way. Um, when I'm not saying kids are the cause of divorce, but when kids come in, um, they take a lot of your attention. So, and that could be the same for business. If you're starting a business that takes a lot of your attention. So what ends up happening is that A lot of your attention goes in one place, whether it's towards kids or business or whatever it might be.

And the kind of touch points you used to have with your significant other that disappears life change. And while that's happening, they're changing. That person is changing and you don't know who this person is anymore. They have new thoughts, they have new emotions, or they have different nuances in their emotions and thoughts.

They're learning different about life, but they don't, you don't know them. All you know is, Oh, how was your day today? Great. You're kind of partial you listening to that and then you move on to your own thing that will break down relationships So again, as a revision, communication is not just verbal. It has to do with facial structure, body language, how people are feeling.

If you're not noticing those things, you're not connected and you're not communicating with each other. That's an important piece. If you're not revising your vision, your long term plan, your values consistently as they're growing, expanding, because if you're a growing person, I'll bet that you're, um, you're, you're creating more of an understanding of what it means for you to live in this world.

You're learning more about yourself, you're learning more about the world around you, you're learning more about the people. So if you're not updating each other, you don't know each other after a while. And if you have a major thing come into the picture, like, uh, like a child or multiple children, Or a business and you're not connecting with each other at least once a week, if not more, which means that all the distractions away, you're sitting down with each other and dealing with the issues and challenges and all that stuff that's coming up.

And here's one of the things that I hear from couples. A lot of times when I meet, uh, when I'm working with couples who've been together 16, 20 years, a lot of times they think that they know each other, but when I want to ask them to humor me, let me ask you a few questions. Usually. They only know their surface behavior like their habits.

But what they don't know is they don't know their desires for life. They don't know their needs. They don't know that their challenges they're going through. They don't know the pain that they're going through in their life. They don't know their struggles. They don't know any of that stuff yet. They're the closest person to them.

So there's no way there's communication can happen if you don't know enough about the person. And there are a couple of models I need you to look into when it comes to communication. If you're listening to this one is called nonviolent communication by Dr. Rosenberg, Marshall Rosenberg. The other one is, uh, the Gottman process.

It's in the book, the seven principles for making marriage work. Those two are really good models to think through. Um, and there are other books, um, such as the five love languages, which is much more popular in the modern culture. Look into them and start thinking about how it gives you a reference. And remember that whatever you know about your relationship, it comes from the relationships that you were in primarily your home, however you were in your home as a child.

is what you've kind of, uh, modeled for your relationship to be. Most people who go to therapy or coaching, when they're asked, why do you behave like that? They usually, well, my parents talk like that, or this is just how, what I know, because that's the only thing they know. They haven't expanded their knowledge of what works.

They don't know the details. The other piece of it is financial stress. By the way, people who have financial stress, uh, financial difficulties, I've gone through this as well. It makes marriage very dicey. And this could also be, you could be in a great financial situation, but risks with money. That could bring financial stress like business risks.

I'm not saying not to take it. I take risks all the time, but manage that with each other, depending on, for example, I take care of most of the finances in my home. My wife is, we talk about it, but she's not as involved because her role is different and we're a little bit more traditional, but I know that when I'm taking risks that can put a strain on us.

And I need to communicate that a little bit, which means that she needs to know what I'm going through. If she doesn't know, if I'm taking a risk in business, or there are things happening that are difficult to deal with right now, she will see that in my body language, but she won't know what it means until I talk about it.

So it goes back to communication, but financial stress is one of the biggest. Uh, driver of all sorts of stressors, whether it's in business or related to your mortgage or related to bills or related to inflation, whatever it might be, find a way to talk to the other person or communicate in a way where they understand what your challenges are.

They don't need to solve your problem, your intimate other, they just need to understand. So they can be there for you. What ends up happening when people have these kinds of things, they kind of go in their own corner and they get more detached. They get more stressed. And when the other person is trying to help, they get more annoyed, they get more angry, they get more not understood.

And then this person doesn't know how to help. And then that creates a rift between two people. By the way, this could show up in your business, uh, um, uh, business as well, because that's, uh, that's a big determining factor in businesses. If you're with your business partner, if you guys are not discussing this stuff, if you're not tracking these, if you're not sharing how this is affecting you, it will, it will affect things, uh, the partnership quite a bit.

The last one, this is, I said, it's really important. This is emotional intimacy. Um, it's, uh, I've written lack of physical and emotional intimacy. That's more of an effect. of not understanding each other, not knowing each other's needs, not knowing how to support each other, not knowing how the other person's world works.

The effect of that that happens is lack of physical and emotional intimacy. On the one side, one person might feel like I'm not feeling seen, heard or understood and they detach. The other side might say, I'm not getting anything physical, so I'll detach. Either way, it leads to very negative situations.

But you're both on the same team. So with the physical and emotional intimacy, it's more of an effect. What happens is if there's not communication, if there's not engagement, there's no presence, if there's no understanding, if the values are not aligned, if the vision is not aligned, if we're not talking about each other's needs consistently, if there are financial hardships, what happens?

Intimacy goes down and you think that you need to solve for intimacy. Most of the time you don't need to solve for intimacy. You need to solve for understanding each other and being on the same page and understanding what you guys are building together. And if that's consistently revised, not just building it every week.

That's why I said in the beginning marriage is work. That means you need to set aside, just like you set aside time for your business, you're setting aside time to be with your partner. For example, for us, Sundays are our time. Where the kids go away, it's just us for at least four to six, seven hours. Uh, whether we go for coffee, stay at home or do something adventurous, we'll do that.

And maybe once a month or once every other month, we'll get like a couple of days together. Especially if you have young kids, that's important, but that's important at any stage of life. Uh, now I, I know this cause I ask people, when was the last time you guys got together focused without your phones, without distractions, without other people?

Uh, they will say maybe every other month, that's a maybe sometimes for a whole quarter. Nope, they haven't sat down and spent time other than the day to day. How was your day? That's not enough. That will not help you. Think back to when you were dating, when you were getting to know each other, how much of an interest you had in each other's lives, how much, how much, how curious you were to know each, what, what you were involved in, how supportive you were.

And yes, biology plays a role in there. And we have a heightened motivation to do that because at that time, but the key to what I've seen based on what I've studied and what I've learned is to keep marriage alive. And happy is to, um, is to connect and deal with difficulties and challenges and to wrap all this up.

This is the, the key of it. Most people, and this goes back to what's modeled to us. Most people avoid conflict in relationships. I had this thought in my head that if I get into a conflict, that's a negative thing. Or if I got into a fight or a yelling match, that was a problem in my marriage. So I avoided it like death for the first five years of my marriage, five to six, seven years, something like that.

That didn't help me a lot at all. In fact, if you see married couples who don't fight at all, that's a red flag. I'm not, I'm not joking. It sounds like a joke, but that's a red flag because you're talking about two individual beings. who think differently, who feel differently, who have different needs. They need a certain period of time to make sense of that.

And life is very complex. There are financial challenges, business challenges, kids challenges, health challenges, family challenges. There is no way there will not be conflict. If you have not argued with your business partner, that's a problem. If you have not disagreed with your business partner, that's a problem.

Why? Because there will always be differences and your job as a human being is to make sense of it, make it work with each other. And that requires you to deal with challenges. What ends up happening, fast forward a marriage 16, 20 years out. When you ask, um, couples, like those who stayed together, many couples won't even stay, those who stay together, when you ask them how do you feel about each other, if you were to rate your relationship, they will kind of rate it at around seven because that's a safe number to pick, but when you dig deeper, you find out that they lost the intimacy a long time ago.

If I asked them, it was like 10 years ago. And this is when they start to come up with weird solutions. Um, they will come up with, Oh, you know what? Maybe I need a lot of time on my own. Maybe I need to travel. Maybe we need to try different kinds of, uh, couples arrangements. People try, I don't have judgments around it, but people try all sorts of, uh, arrangements with being intimate with other couples or with other people just because they're, they're struggling in their relationship.

Which means that they don't understand what this person's needs are. They see that there's an intimate challenge, so they start trying other things. Or in some cases, they don't even know each other. They just live their separate lives like roommates. They bring up a bunch of kids together. And then about 20 years later, they're like, I don't even know this person.

Especially when the kids disappear and their focus is not kids anymore. All of a sudden, uh, They don't know why they spent 10, 15 years with this person. Now, the reason why I'm sharing all this is that you can actually catch these red flags. I actually look for these red flags. I look for communication challenges.

I look for financial challenges and stressors that affect people. I look for intimacy challenges. Physical or emotional or both. Those are usually red flags that something is off. And if you catch it fast enough, you can figure it out. But, um, a lot of people usually figure it, not even figure it out. They, they realize this when it's not many times you can recover from it, but in some times it's too late.

There's been 10 years of not knowing each other, not being with each other. And it's a hurdle to go through. But if you are in a place where you're rebuilding your relationship, these three key points are important. How you communicate, connect with each other, how you understand each other's needs, how you understand each other's path forward, how we can support each other, how you can support each other financially.

So that strain is not there. And third. How you can build intimacy by getting to know each other. Like I said, that's more of an effect than the actual thing. And you can also talk about your needs. Okay. What are your physical needs? What are your emotional needs? How can you move that forward? And that's one of the other things.

A lot of people are uncomfortable talking about these things, which goes back to start dealing with challenges and issues. Ask yourself, is there anything that I've been avoiding to deal with in my relationship? Is there any topic that I've been brought up that I'm thinking and feeling about feeling, but I'm not bringing it up.

Are there areas where I feel uncomfortable or angry or frustrated, but I haven't brought it up to my intimate partner. And this also applies to minus the physical intimacy part. It applies to your business partner as well, unless you, you're also business partners with your wife or husband, which in which case that might be the case too.