The LIE We Believe About Relationships
Sep 12, 2024You’ve been lied to.
I know it sounds harsh, but it's true. There's a common belief that if you love and/or respect someone, your relationship will automatically be successful. But I'm here to tell you that's a myth—a comforting lie we tell ourselves to avoid the hard truth.
Relationships are tough. They require more than love and respect; they demand hard work, patience, and a willingness to face the uncomfortable realities that come with being close to another human being.
Why Relationships Are Hard
Think about the relationships in your life. Whether it’s with your spouse, children, friends, or business partners, each one comes with its own unique set of challenges. Yet, there's a facade we all maintain, a front that everything is perfect—even when it's not. Why do we do this? Because we’ve been conditioned to believe that admitting our struggles is a sign of weakness or failure.
But let me tell you a secret: everyone is struggling. I’ve spent decades coaching people to improve their quality of life, their business success, and their inner growth. And a huge part of this always comes back to relationships. They are the most challenging aspect of life for most people, myself included.
The Real Problem: Lack of Awareness and Training
Why are relationships so hard? For starters, we’re never really taught how to navigate them. From a young age, we learn about history, math, and science, but where’s the class on emotional intelligence, empathy, or communication? Most of us are left to mimic the behavior of those around us—our parents, friends, or society at large.
But here’s the thing: many of those models are flawed. If your parents or caregivers struggled with their relationships, you’re likely to repeat those patterns, often without even realizing it. We operate on autopilot, responding to emotional triggers without understanding the needs behind those emotions.
Two Key Elements to Improve Your Relationships
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Understanding Emotions and Needs: Emotions are signals. They’re not random feelings that appear out of nowhere; they are indicators of underlying needs. For example, frustration might signal a need for expression, anger could indicate a boundary has been crossed, and loneliness might mean a need for connection.
Learning to interpret these emotional signals—both in yourself and in others—is crucial. When you start to understand the emotions that arise in your relationships and what needs they point to, you’ll be better equipped to address them constructively.
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Improving Awareness and Communication: In today’s fast-paced world, we’re often too distracted to notice the emotional cues others are sending us. We’re glued to our phones, overwhelmed by tasks, and rarely fully present in our interactions. But building meaningful relationships requires that we pay attention, truly see and hear the people around us, and respond to their emotional needs.
So, What’s Next?
Start by acknowledging that relationships are inherently challenging, and that’s okay. There’s no shame in admitting that you’re struggling—because, trust me, you’re not alone. The real strength lies in facing those challenges head-on, learning to understand and respond to emotions and needs, and committing to ongoing growth in your relationships.
Remember, improving your relationships is not about achieving some ideal state of perfection. It’s about continuous work, empathy, and being present.
If you're ready to dive deeper, take the next step by downloading your free "Unlock Your Legacy Life Power Pack" at faisalensaun.com. It's time to stop believing the lies and start building the relationships you deserve.
TRANSCRIPTION
Relationships are hard, however you have been lied to...
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Faisal Ensaun: [00:00:00] There's a front that everybody puts on and the front is that we're doing incredible in our relationships
Well, It's a lie. It's a bold faced lie. And here's why.
Faisal Ensaun: a huge part of the quality of people's lives and the progress they make is definitely connected to their relationships. I want to start off with this topic that relationships are incredibly hard. The, here's a problem. The problem is that everyone you run into, whether those are family, friends, or. some business person. There's a front that everybody puts on and the front is that we're doing incredible in our relationships, whether that's a relationship with husband and wife, that's a relationship with their kids, or that's a relationship with their business partners.
Everything looks great and amazing. Even if there are little flaws that you notice, all those are just a normal part of it. , and it's not that bad. [00:01:00] Well, It's a lie. It's a bold faced lie. And here's why. Well, and I will tell you where I'm speaking from. I'm not speaking from theory. I've just spent, I've spent the past decades, uh, trying to support people to improve their relationships, their quality of their life, their progress in business, their progress internally, in terms of their awareness, in terms of what they can achieve, uh, towards their potential.
And you wouldn't be surprised that a huge part of the quality of people's lives and the progress they make is definitely connected to their relationships. And here's what you find out that people are struggling. Most people struggle. And by the way, my hand is up to it's it's incredibly difficult to work through your relationships.
And the most difficult areas of my life are relationship areas. It's not my business. It's not the work that I do. Um, actually that's the easiest part because that actually gives me some space to focus and do things. Relationships can be very complex, whether it's with my wife, with my kids, with my [00:02:00] siblings, with my family, friends, community, all of it.
They can bring up all sorts of emotions, positive, negative. There are times where I'm excited and happy around people. There are times where I don't want to deal with people. There are times where Um, where I'm optimistic and I want to work with people. I want to build a team. There are times where I just want to be in my own space and on top and this shows you that we're complex to begin with.
Now add to it other complex beings around you makes it incredibly difficult. But we live in a world in the world that, um, it kind of one analogy that, uh, one of my favorite philosophers, uh, Manly Palmer Hall. Pointed out that when you look at a house and imagine a house that was beautifully painted and looks impeccable on the outside and then you open the door and you look inside and everything is broken and the foundations are crumbling.
That's the nature of how families are in North America a lot of times. I'm not saying everybody, but a lot of people are struggling and that's okay because Relationships are [00:03:00] difficult by nature and it's interesting because when you look at the school system, when you look at the training we've had since childhood in our families, in our school system, this is one area we never get any training around.
We basically watch our parents and family be a certain way and we kind of mimic and model that and we bring it in our own life. So we bring a mix of positive and negative whenever you go into therapy or counseling. Or coaching, um, when you ask people, why do you behave like this? Well, that's just what I know, because that's what they were taught by their parents, by the families around them, by the people around them, even their own thought processes, how they feel about life, how they think about life is very much influenced by that.
So then where do we stay? Well, the first step is to become real about the whole process. And that's why I want to say relationship is difficult. But there are ways to improve it. There are ways to, uh, to make it simpler. There are ways to get on the same page, there are ways to communicate better, there are ways to improve the, uh, where you are in your life and everybody's going to be very different.
Um, [00:04:00] for example, no matter what I do, I know that there's a, piece of, uh, like between my wife and I, we have a lot of trauma. There are a lot of disconnection points. Uh, and yes, we've improved a lot, grown a lot, but there are times where we struggle with each other and we have to work very hard, probably more so than most people who don't have that level of trauma.
Um, but most people don't have that extreme of challenges and, and they can work through it very simply. And I've been able to get people to reconnect in their marriages. I've been able to get people to reconnect with their families, with their friends, been able to get team members on the same page. Why?
Because there are actually usually very few things that people haven't worked through and I'll leave you with two things. , one is people don't understand, and notice other people's emotions around them, whether it was those emotions or sadness, anger, frustration, all the negative spectrum, negative or survival type emotions, which I consider.
The emotions that gets you to pay attention because something is off. Something [00:05:00] needs to be improved. Something needs to be paid attention to. We don't know how to handle those because it was never modeled properly to us. And for those of us who that have gone better models around this, Great.
You're actually very privileged. , so we don't understand how to interpret and respond to emotions. Plus, in the world that we live in with everybody being distracted with their phone and devices and everything, we don't even notice people's faces, which is how you notice people's emotions. And so it creates more problems.
And then behind emotions, emotions are signals to our needs. It tells us what we need in our life. So if we're frustrated with something, there's a need behind that. Maybe we're frustrated because we're not able to express ourselves. Maybe we're, uh, there's a need for expression. Uh, maybe we're frustrated because we don't feel free.
There's a need for freedom. Maybe we're angry because somebody crossed our boundary. There's a need to have a boundary. in place. Maybe we're disconnected because [00:06:00] we don't feel like anybody understands us around us. So there are needs behind it. So when you understand the concept of emotions and needs, you start to, um, understand first of all, what are your own needs?
What are the emotions behind and what are the needs behind those emotions? What are the emotions signaling? And then what does that mean for the people around me? My life partner, my business partners, my siblings, my, my kids, all the people that are around us, what do they need from us? And a lot of times it's very complex to figure this out,
Faisal Ensaun: and if you want to take this training further, download your free unlock your legacy life power pack at Faisalensaun.Com. You should be able to find that link right below.
Take care. Bye.
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