Hurt People Hurt People: Understanding the Ripple Effect of Unprocessed Pain

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TRANSCRIPTION:

Hurt people hurt people
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Faisal Ensaun: [00:00:00] hurt people, hurt people.

Faisal Ensaun: when we asked her, like, Do you think that's fair that she's getting treated like that? And her response was this, is like, well, I get treated like that every day.

But a lot of times it shows up in odd ways. It shows up in our relationship with a spouse. We will be harsh and

mean and we don't know why we are like this.

All right. This is not a Facebook live day. Um, so this is the followup to the last Facebook live. I was telling you about this beautiful area. Um, and I really wanted to jump in here and just talk a little bit about this statement that I've heard for a long time. It's in the world of therapy and trauma and actually generally you will hear people say this hurt people, hurt people.

That means people who have been hurt in their past, they will hurt other people, either consciously or subconsciously or completely unconsciously. I won't go into the levels [00:01:00] of it too much, but most people, I would say, hurt people without realizing it. And a lot of times, they will hurt the closest people to them.

Here's how it shows up. We had a family member, who was a child, who was a kid, who was actually treating one of her other family members harshly, another kid in the family. And, um, when we asked her, like, Do you think that's fair that she's getting treated like that? And her response was this, is like, well, I get treated like that every day.

And she was aware to some extent that, that she was feeling hurt by other people, but she was showing up in her behavior without thinking about it. And she's kind of become indifferent to the process. And she's a child. Now think about adults who've gone, go through a long life. Uh, in their thirties, twenties, forties, and they feel hurt by so many things.

And a lot of it gets repressed or suppressed and they're not aware of it anymore. And somewhere along the lines, they will [00:02:00] hurt other people in exactly the same way that they were hurt. And mind you, some people take that as a lesson and they become a better person through that process. But I don't think that's the majority, majority of the people, they get hurt and they hurt other people without realizing it.

And it will show up in the most common of a circumstances. It's the way that they treat their child, it's the way they treat their spouse. Uh, and it will show up in weird ways that we won't even pick it up. And usually as a parent we feel guilty afterwards and we'll say that, well, why did I yell at my kid? It was just a kid, he or she didn't know what was going on. It And we realize if we are introspective enough, we find out that it wasn't actually related to the kid. It was related to our own internal state.

And that's okay. Um, it's okay in the sense that we're all trying to do our best. At least in our heart, if we know that we're doing our best and we're improving, it gets better and better as we do this.

And that's what we hope for. But a lot of times it shows up in odd [00:03:00] ways. It shows up in our relationship with a spouse. We will be harsh and mean and we don't know why we are like this. We'll be with a business partner who we treated a certain way and we don't realize much later why we treated this person a certain way or be a stranger who we yelled at or we were harsh around and why.

And if you really dig deep you'll find out that at some point in your life either as a child or as a younger adult or in some weird way you have gotten hurt, and you have not fully processed that, and you're hurting other people with that. My invitation to you is to explore those things. And this is the real form of meditation, by the way.

A lot of people think meditation is sitting down in a weird pose on the ground and breathing. That's a technique, but that's not actually meditation. Meditation is to work through, process your past, process your thoughts, and to show up present in this moment without being driven by your past hurt or all sorts of things that don't serve you [00:04:00] anymore.

And if you can do that consistently, you will find that your thoughts will become more and more refined. Yes, it is a lifelong journey. But I guarantee you can get a lot better if you sat with your thoughts, give yourself the space and the gift to work through your thoughts. Journal, spend time in conversation with people who are trying to grow.

Listen to things like this, get a coach, be in a network of people who are trying to improve and grow as human beings, as leaders. If you're doing those things, I guarantee you're growing. And hopefully at some point you won't hurt a lot of people without meaning to. And as a leader, if you're listening to this, more than likely you're also interested in growth, which means that you're a leader.

You want to improve, you want to grow, which means that there are other people around you who are being hurtful without realizing it. And most people don't realize it because they either don't get feedback or they're not questioned or they're not challenged. Ask people questions when they're being hurtful, when they're being dismissive, when they're [00:05:00] not realizing, but being hurtful one way or another.

If you're aware of it. It's your responsibility to ask other people, challenge other people, let people know that this happening more than likely they're not doing it on purpose. They're doing it because nobody around them has questioned it. And by the way, there are a lot of people in really powerful positions of influence and power will never get questioned around this stuff.

And this is one of the reasons when I work with high level people who are owners of companies who are an important positions and other companies who hold positions in government. And different branches of the government. You find out that a lot of people will just say yes to them and won't question the way they're behaving.

And a lot of times they are very destructive, can be very destructive. And a lot of times they get a lot of value from a coach, from a community, of people who will challenge them because nobody else questions them. They just do what they do. And there's a part of them that knows that something is off, but nobody's questioning them. And this is why you will notice that in a lot of this makes no sense. Sometimes when you watch it on the surface, uh, an [00:06:00] employee that somebody has or a team member who's very challenging and who's always butting heads with a boss or with a parent, a child with a parent, they find out that even though it's one of the most tense relationships that that is there for that person and influence, but they appreciate that relationship a lot, uh, longterm because it's pushing them to grow.

And I'll leave you with this, um, with two questions. Who are you hurting without realizing it, or with realizing it, , and have you taken the time to process it? If you haven't, it's your responsibility as a leader to do that. Are there any people around you who are consistently hurting other people without them realizing it, or noticing it, or not having the feedback?

Please make sure you support other people around you.

And if you want to take this training further, download your free Unlock Your Legacy Life Power Pack at FaisalEnsaun.Com. You should be able to find that link right below.